I was in on an interview recently where the client's feedback to the candidate was to play down her energy. She looked, apparently, a bit bubbly. A bit fluffy.
I wasn't comfortable with it. That feedback was about who she is, not whether she could do the role. And I couldn't help wondering whether a man would have heard it.
Nan Gesche has a name for the bind that candidate was in: the double bind. Nan is a communications and negotiation educator and the author of Ladies, Let's Negotiate: Go from Fear to Fair, and she joined me on the Change It Podcast. Her book is written for women, but the language tips below work for anyone.
The double bind
Nan says women are often stuck. If you're too soft, you're a doormat. If you lean into the conversation, you get a label.
It's not irrational to be afraid, she says, because workplaces still hold women to a different standard. When she asks groups for the words that come to mind about negotiating, they say fear, frustration, futility. Her hope is that we can get to freedom, fun and fair.
Be yourself, with small tweaks
Nan isn't saying never adapt. Sometimes you'll want to strengthen or soften your style. But she believes your difference is often your gift, and she credits hers for her own success as a bank examiner.
She warns about the earworm: a comment that sticks and makes you shrink. Feedback isn't helpful unless it comes with clear coaching and examples. And do your homework on culture, so you land somewhere you can be yourself.
The words that give your power away
Nan describes three kinds of language:
- One down: giving your power away. "I was just part of the team." Constant apologising.
- Neutral: stating the fact, without apology or inflation. "The policy has changed."
- One up: confident, sometimes with humour.
Take "I was just in the right place at the right time." You may have been, Nan says, but you also showed up prepared and found the courage to take the risk. Own that.
Someone told me right at the start of my career to avoid the word "just". It's a small change, and it's powerful.
People buy in when they help decide
Nan negotiated chores with her kids. She asked them to look up what cleaning services do, pick five tasks they'd be willing to do, and then they agreed how often. They made a chart, and 20 years later it's still up.
That's change management in a kitchen. People don't like to change, but if they're part of the conversation and get to make some choices, they're far more likely to buy in.
Try these easy language tips this week
- Notice one "just" or "sorry" a day, and see if you need it.
- Rewrite one "I was just part of the team" into what you actually did.
- Ask for one small thing this week, and notice how it goes.
Listen and next steps
- Listen to the full episode with Nan Gesche
- Nan Gesche
- Planning your next move? See how we help job seekers
