Nobody teaches us to negotiate. There's no class and no practice run. Most of us do it for the first time in the thick of it: asking for more money or arguing our worth, underprepared and expected to deliver.
Nan Gesche is a communications and negotiation educator and the author of Ladies, Let's Negotiate: Go from Fear to Fair. She started her career as a bank examiner with the US Treasury, where she discovered that building relationships and working through differences mattered more than technical skill.
I'm already using her tips when I'm out in the shops! Nan's book is written for women, but the tools apply to everyone.
Where negotiations are won
Nan splits a negotiation into three stages: the plan (60%), the discussion (30%) and the close (10%). Most advice focuses on the discussion. Nan says the plan is the part we forget.
Plan: the PASS model
- Purpose. Know your why and tie it to your values. Then think about their why, because they won't care about yours. Performance up and turnover down are the kind of things they'll care about.
- Attitude. Ask "why not me?" Find a mantra, or a power outfit or pose, and choose the right time and place.
- Strategy. Do your research: the market rate, your history in the organisation and how long it would take to replace you. Have the "meeting before the meeting": ask for time to talk about your contribution, so you create agreement before any disagreement.
- Script. Script your opening and keep three to five good questions in your back pocket.
Discussion: space, pace and grace
Nan says the cheapest concession you'll ever make in a negotiation is to listen, and nobody will listen to you until they know you've listened to them. Build a little goodwill, then ask questions to find out what else matters to them. Money is only one variable.
- Space: are you in the right mental space, and is the setting right?
- Pace: slow down and keep asking questions, so the other person feels heard.
- Grace: stay respectful even when things don't go your way.
When you can't say yes, try "I'd be happy to do that if..." and name the trade-off, such as a later deadline or more people.
Close: clarity, presence, resolve
Agree who does what by when, and follow up. If the answer is no, Nan suggests asking when you could revisit it, what it would take for that to change, and when the next budget cycle is. Sometimes no just means not now. If it's a hard no, thank them anyway.
Then reflect on what worked. Pay attention to results and relationships.
Practise on small things
You don't start a marathon without running around the block. Nan negotiates in the shoe shop, asking what it would take to move a pair from the 40% off rack to the 70% off rack. Start small, in shops or even at home!
Watch your language too. We dig into that in The words that give your power away.
Listen and next steps
- Listen to the full episode with Nan Gesche
- Nan Gesche
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